So while E3 is definitely exciting, the trip to E3 really just isn’t that riveting. After swimming through countless pages of Southwest’s official magazine and, of course, the classic SkyMall, we ended up picking out our favorite five products from the bowels of the latter.
Behold: The “Best” of SkyMall!
5. Dog Dazer (p. 88)
Sick and tired of mercilessly executing every domesticated mammal that crosses your path? Well, you’re in luck because now you can carry a series of easy to use and fun to eat devices that gracefully dispels any would-be attackers. The kit includes the hilariously named Dog Dazer, which apparently transmits a high frequency noise that instantly poisons the mind of any dog and/or adult human male over 230lbs. Also included is the Dog-Off Deluxe, which is advertised as including a “personal alarm” that ostensibly frightens any would be attackers. For reasons that aren’t exactly clear, it also includes a flash light, a baffling display of portable light technology that is known to simulate hell in the minds of the weak minded. But wait! As bonus, it looks like they’ve included Doge-Gone-It [not pictured], a canine death device with integrated 22mm Derringer-style pistol. Best of all, the whole package is dishwasher safe!
4. SkyRest® Dumbass In-Flight Blow-up Pillow (p. 84)
Not everyone subscribes to the concept of self-respect, and for those who have already damaged their reputation beyond repair, there’s the SkyRest® Dumbass In-Flight Blow-up Pillow. This hyper-embarrassing invention allows you to produce a massive, human-sized quarter-circle cushion on your lap for the duration of your plane flight. That’s after you inflate it, of course, which looks to take probably at least four or five minutes (consider purchasing the PowerLung® for SkyRest inflation practice) and is guaranteed to make you look like an assclown regardless of the circumstances. So remember, when diphenhydramine fails to put you down during the flight, let adjacent passengers handle that job by whipping out your SkyRest.
3. Lawn/Flesh Aerator Sandals (p. 47)
Has your schedule ever been so swamped that cold blooded murder just didn’t fit into your daily routine? Then do we have the product for you! The Lawn/Flesh Aerator Sandals make the transition between responsible lawn care and manslaughter nearly seamless. Just strap on these babies after your daily fertilizer application and you’ll have full control over your most unbridled impulses. For instance, have you had a long day and the constant barking of your neighbor’s dog is interfering with your lawn aerating (and you don’t have the Dog Dazer)? Give ‘em hell! Has your wife ever constantly nagged you about your current lawn care negligence? Just gently give her a kick and she’s sure to stop whining about the lawn. And now for a limited time, purchase the “Zombies of Montclaire Moors” Sculpture (P. 80) to reenact all of your undead apocalyptic fantasies all at once. After that kind of carnage, finishing off a living specimen should be as easy as 1, 2, disembowelment.
2. PowerLung® Advanced Vomit Collector (p. 110)
It’s happened to us all at some juncture in our lives: you’re in an uncomfortable social venue, you feel your stomach start to gurgle, and you just know you’re about to ralph all over your in-laws. Luckily for you, you learn from your past mistakes (like the time you invented the XFL), and thus you unsheath your pocketed PowerLung® Vomit Collector, which actually isn’t a Vomit Collector at all, but it sure as hell ought to be as far as you’re concerned. And best of all, relatives won’t suspect a thing; as predicted, to them, you might as well be brushing your teeth with a pressurized mentally-handicapped retardo toothbrush contraption. So when Uncle Bud starts telling the story of his prolapsed anus for probably the third time this month, you’re ready to collect an additional session of vomit all over again as effortlessly as possible. BONUS: Device potentially doubles as a sensual technique training device.†
1. The NeckPro™ Traction Device (p. 110)
Too much of a coward to head butt the sidewalk kill yourself like a man? Then you’re in luck, because the unabashed pussification of the American male is now effortlessly realized in the form of the NeckPro Traction Suicide Device. The air of affluence behind well tailored socks, ninety dollar haircuts, and unreasonably priced Snuggies is naturally complimented by a tool to kill yourself that is both humiliating and effective. Your loved ones will consider your method of self disposal so outrageous, it’s unlikely they’ll react in any manner that doesn’t suggest a gleeful gathering of reckless folly. Comes fully assembled and with an unconditional guarantee for life!
†Blowjobs.
