Flogging Your Stick
The basics are presented via an unnecessarily sexy step by step process from Isabelle. Minus the poignant innuendo from Isabelle, here’s the gist of how to play: You’re given 360 degrees of space on the Y axis and 45 on the X axis to align your pool stick, provided there aren’t any balls obstructing your virtual rod. From here you’re allowed to press square to adjust the amount of curve you’d wish to apply to the cue ball. Finally by pressing and holding circle you can adjust your desired power before pressing right on the d-pad to let your ball fly. A host of camera options are available from a variety of angles, though, other than the overhead view, it’s unlikely you’ll ever find any angle useful.
Essentially, this is the entire game. Aside from a slight variation on which ball is necessary to hit, Pocket Pool never evolves beyond what you learn in the basic instructions. With so many other games on the market featuring a bevy of trick plays and other bells and whistles, Pocket Pool just doesn’t measure up. The illusion of depth is conveyed throughout a generous helping of game modes. 8 Ball, Classic 8 Ball, Pool 9 Ball, Pool 15 Ball, Straight Pool, Rotation Pool, Blackjack, Full Snooker, and Killer modes are all at your disposal from the onset. Only Blackjack, in which you have to pocket balls adding up to 21, was moderately different (content-wise) from it’s peers.
Adjusting the Shaft
Within each of these modes is a variety of options available to customize your Pocket Pool experience. A host of different venues, tables and pool sticks are selectable, though don’t expect any of them to offer any sort of significant change to the gameplay. Provided you’ve unlocked enough of it, the music is also yours for the choosing. Lastly, the ball speed, also known as the only option that actually matters, can be changed
Oh, and for some reason you’re also allowed to select your player, the majority of which are represented by surfer dudes or strippers. Most of the guys look like they’ve taken too much human growth hormone and say things like “brah” a lot, whereas most of the women are built like daft Paris Hilton clones and slip comments like “nice balls.” Yes, “nice balls.” Get it? Making this even more weird was the observation that the entire cast of females, who also have their own extensive bio’s, are voiced by a maximum of three different voice actors.
Coming Up Short
To be fair, Pocket Pool does feature an incalculable number of unlockables. Winning a game usually grants you one of two things; pictures or video of scantly clad women (more on this in a minute), or random aesthetic knick knacks. These usually include new pool halls, cues, or sets of balls. Sometimes you wind up with items to decorate your pool hall, my favorite of which being the half-completed sword rack (this and the pool table with the almost naked woman blasted over red felt will transform any standard dump bar into a dojo for lonely alcoholics, a timeless classic).
And then there’s the big (read: only) draw of Pocket Pool; the girlie pictures. But oh no, friends, you don’t get these after winning a game. No, that would be too easy, such racy sex objects can only be claimed every other win. Relax! You usually get two at a time for your efforts, and with an (estimated) 274 available for your unlocking pleasure, you could be rewarding yourself for weeks! Sometimes, not always, but sometimes they even thrown in a titillating three minute video of a girl dancing around in her underwear. Screw the XII’s Zodiac Spear or Dead Rising’s Mega Man suit, this is probably the greatest investment of your time in any game EVER.
Here’s why that is a lie. I know this, you know this; the internet is primarily for porn. Anyone over the age of eighteen has legal and mostly free access to porn within five seconds of sitting down at a computer (or your PSP!); instant gratification is received without resorting to playing a game of pool against an opaque AI. “But wait,” you say, “women in their lingerie weened me into adulthood, I looked forward to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue every year!” Yes, as did I. The problem arrives when you discover Pocket Pool is rated M and cannot be sold to anyone under the age of 18. The target audience, those whom cannot view porn and to whom the sophomoric “jokes” are aimed at, cannot purchase this title. This is not unlike making a Sesame Street game and then exclusively marketing the title to those over the age of 18. It’s a true mind**** of epic proportions.
Why Your Shouldn’t Play With These Balls
Acerbic moral and marketing criticism aside, several other weights are chained to Pocket Pool’s legs. For starters, the left and right buttons are inverted and there is no option of correcting this; you have to press left to move your stick right, which makes as much sense as a bear playing a tuba. The save system is a massive failure; after every match you’re first asked if you want to delete any files (even when you have, oh, 2 gig free on your stick) before being prompted, and asked again, if you want to overwrite your existing file. Oh, and don’t plan on trying to save in the middle of a match, cause it ain’t happening.
A couple quirks prevent the gameplay from excelling past it’s subnormal content brethren. The AI, regardless of which character you select, is either dumb as rocks or completely perfect. Worse, they’re as predictable as the tide; you can literally duplicate games between you and your opponent if you take the same shots every time. Speaking of shots, they’re totally skill free. There’s the aforementioned power and curve meters, but you can dial them into your exact specifications and place the cue ball where you want it every time. One would think this makes the game incredibly easy, but the true difficulty is exposed once you realize the in-game physics do not obey traditional earth laws. It’s almost complete arbitrary, adding an artificial degree of difficulty to the game. Once you get used to it this becomes more manageable, however, it still looks pretty out of the ordinary.
The visuals actually aren’t terrible. The balls are so shiny that it looks like someone rubbed fresh ham all over them. The venues are lightly decorated with ornaments that add some flavor to your surroundings, but not enough to distract you from the game at hand. Something I didn’t expect, the models all look a shade better than the coked up prostitutes I was expecting. The pictures appear to be leftovers from the mid 90’s photo shoot, but they’re not trashy. The sound is sufficient; nothing damaging to the ears and it fills the background in nicely, but don’t expect to summon the desire to hum these tunes in your free time.
